This year had been very colourful. I never thought I would learn so much, from the darkest experiences to the brightest emotions. I learned how family comes first no matter what, no matter how nerve-racking, annoying and lunatic they are. They are after all, your family – whom you will return to when it’s Eid and who will always be on your side, no matter when, be it when you’re taking SPM or even when you die. Family are the people whom you have unlimited time to spend with, they are apparently the only bunch of people who will stay and the family bond can never expire unless we choose to. They are the ones who have the will to travel miles and miles just to meet you and ask how is it going? They are the ones who call you frequently, that the term lonely shouldn’t even exist. Because you have a family. Companions. Friends of all age. Family, no matter how different you are from them, you must understand that they are made from the same genes as you.
Then right when I knew my time with my best mates is almost up, I discovered that friendship is an involuntary human response. It happens naturally that after years involving yourself in this affair called friendship, will you only ask yourself, “how did I really end up with this bunch of people?”. Your mind will flip through the imaginary pictures in your head, trying to figure out exactly when, where, why and how did this person here become my best friend. And most of us fail to find the answers to the questions asked. This is because, true friends, like soul mates, they come unexpectedly, on a day you thought was just another day. You could never ask someone, “hey do you want to be my best friend?”, this sort of thing doesn’t happen that way. True friends, like soul mates, they are genuine and almost magical. Friendship is quite parallel to things like universe/cosmic powers, crossed paths, horoscope stuff, love and things that are beyond our logical thinking. It is an unplanned response. My best friends are the reason why I still have faith in humanity, in being responsible, in taking care of other souls than only mine, in gentleness, in love.
Love. I may not know what true love means. Except that I know I have been showered with such unconditional affection from my mother, warm protection from my dad, constant happiness from my siblings and endless love from the Creator. I know nothing about romance, if sex scenes and ‘exciting’ chapters in those novels I read are somewhat society nowadays calls as ‘romance’ than maybe yes, I do have a slight idea on this overrated issue. I, no doubt, have little knowledge on love & not much of experience in romancing. But this year, I somehow managed to define love in my words. It is something that is very close to trust. Love is sharing your deepest fear, shedding big fat tears, laughing on irrelevant jokes, commenting and ranting on almost everything, sharing and respecting each other’s ideas. Love is when you look forward to see the green icon beside his name on FB, when you receive a text after taking bath after a long day at school. Love is comfort. It is almost like a friendship. Love is when you put high expectations and wish things to fall into places. Love is when you give more even when you know he doesn’t feel the same way too. Love is accepting and moving on. Love, puppy love, is never meant to be permanent. It is childish, full of dreams, fearless and never associated with the term commitment. It is fragile and carefree. Funny how I discovered, felt, touched all of these hidden senses with one boy who didn’t even like me back, who once actually stated that he had doubts in this sacred bond called marriage, lol. No wonder this blurry thing we had didn’t last. But I must remember that love is forgiving.
School. School was my playground. School was where I was taught to be considerate, to obey the rules, to follow every single instructions, to eat when I was asked to and to stop when I was forced to. Here I learned how it feels like to break rules. To be a big headed revolutionist, so they say. To provoke. But here I was also taught to be punctual and respectful. I met different kind of persons, from bitches to jerks to disliked teachers (lol). I experienced how it feels like to be heard by those who are older and wiser. I learned that teachers are human too, most of them are noble but some are not favoured (lol). I had come to a realization where I knew exactly how bitches, they need to get a life. I saw how people always put pressure and threat on pretty things like an everlasting boyfriend-girlfriend relationship or even on a beautiful friendship. I saw how survivors around me, especially my best friend, managed to get through all the sick remarks and unfair judgement triumphantly. I saw how superficial we are when it comes to physical appearances. I saw how people can compete to such extreme extent. I felt the phrase ‘we are all in this together’. I hoped to be noticed. Everyone hoped and was desperate to be noticed. Everyone wanted to be on top, be it to be the brightest student in class, or the discipline teacher’s favourite fellow or maybe to be the most fashionable and hip of all. I met cheaters. I met quitters. I fell and rose again. I almost gave up on Math, but I never quit until now. I enriched myself with new vocabulary by observing how people do their things. I felt the warmness of love and sense of togetherness from strangers, from those who are not related to me by blood at all. I had the chance to explore, to bruise my knees, to run across the small piece of jungle left in Felda, to laugh with my best friends, to have fun. School was bittersweet. School, secondary school was somehow an early practice before you step out of the compound and stand on your own feet to face the fierce world. School shaped the society, the nation, school made the kind of person you are now. School will be nostalgic when I turn 40.
My relationship with God had not been very good. My relationship with my religion too wasn’t at its best state. I often ignored religious posts on FB, didn’t reblog good Islamic stuff on Tumblr and had second thoughts in watching Maher Zain’s videos. I had been very reluctant. It was I needed help at the most that I would suddenly remember that I had Him to turn to. I know that your spiritual performance is not to be judged based on how you write your FB statuses and blog posts. But somehow I felt like I was ignoring this call that had been deep buried in my soul. Such an ungrateful little slave. I know I have to do something about this.
Year 2011 had been an eye-opener and life-changing. I gained so much that I feel I can never regret anything that occurred this year from the very first day to the last remaining days, knowing that there’s a reason behind everything. I know one day I will look back and recall to this year, when will I say to myself, “when I was 17, I experienced the turning point of my life”.
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