Oh, so I'm mediocre now?

2006

"Hajar, macam mana result?"

5A alhamdulilah

"Oh, pandai"

2009

"Hajar, macam mana result?"

8A alhamdulilah

"Wah, pandai"

2012

"Hajar, macam mana result?"

Er . . . .

"Oh sederhana je. Takpe"

Funny isn't it how the remark 'pandai' is simply dedicated for those who scored straight As in exams. I mean, it seems like if you suddenly scored several Bs in an exam, you're just not that smart any more, know what I mean?

Lol. Really, how smart I was and how dumb I am now? How do we really measure smartness and dumbness?

So let me put it this way - no, I didn't score straight As for SPM, but I can assure you, I have mostly As in my hand, and the rest are Bs. Strong Bs, I mean B+s. No Cs, no Ds, no Es. (Lol. If that is something I can be proud of, then why not?)

I still consider myself as lucky though, for I am qualified to study most courses in the future, thank God, alhamdulilah. But no, I am not going to learn science subjects any more, I have come to a realization that science stuff and numbers, have never been my forte. I wish I had known this earlier, but well, at least I knew now.

And please, I deserve a round of applause for my one and only A+ which, as everyone expected was contributed by my most favourite subject ever - Sejarah. And yes, ladies and gentlemen, according to them, I only deserve a mere A for both English and BM. No matter. Maybe I need to improve or maybe I was over confident but yeah, I'm okay.

Sigh. The worst part about taking my SPM result was how may parents reacted towards the whole situation. They were so disappointed that you could see the hurt in their eyes. I'm the eldest child of the family, I have always been the Golden Girl of the family and then when this happened, I couldn't help feeling less worthy. Later when the relatives started calling, the pain just grew bigger whenever I heard the frustration in my mother's voice.

As much as it wounded them, I'm sure my cut was deeper. It almost felt like everyone was laughing in my face, smirking behind my back, and the Bs - I could have sworn I saw those Bs dancing on my result sheet shrieking 'ha ha you stupid kid!'

But that was yesterday. Today, I feel more relaxed and calm. I somehow learn the meaning of acceptance, you know. There's nothing I can do about it. Benda dah lepas. Nak cerita pasal menyesal, memang menyesal. But then we need to keep moving forward. And truthfully, after my parents has recovered from the trauma of their lifetime, they have been the most supporting parents ever, and for that I'm grateful. If I were at their place, I'd probably slap my child into another race. It kills me to see how my dad is still interested in helping me choosing the next path, to see my mother still treats me like nothing happened. My relatives too, have so far been very considerate. My friends, well - do I even have to tell you how great they have been? Especially Azalea. Brilliant girl, she is. And my teachers - God how sweet they are and how awful I had been to them, lol.

I was so frustrated of myself. I cried the whole night, I am sleep deprived. But if there's one thing I can be proud of myself is that I always know how to pick myself up. It's in my nature.

Kesimpulannya, peluang datang sekali. And you don't want to know how failure tastes like, trust me, you don't want to.