Tuesday, October 23, 2012

This Closure is Yours

Everyone has his/her special someone whose he or she is attached to so badly. No matter how fast the time flies, how fascinating the new people are, how vibrant the strange new place is, memories are memories - you can't simply wipe them away nor forget them. It's because we're humans - we have feelings, we develop feelings, no matter how surreal the feelings might be. And feelings, eventually, shape memories. Solid memories.

If I could turn the time exactly a year from today, I'd be finding myself blaming you for our unrequited friendship or unfinished business - whatever you prefer to call it. I'd be looking at a younger, confused myself, crying my heart out, thinking things could have been  better and could have ended up more wonderful. Most important point, is that I'd be staring at an angry me - a whole other different person who looks like Hajar but thinks differently and demands different things - Hajar who used to think that everything was your fault, that you didn't try to save what we had, that the blame was to be fully put on your shoulders, Hajar who demanded for an explanation.

But today, after a year has passed, I can understand you if I were in your shoes. I can understand the actions you took. I can understand why you didn't even try. I can understand you. I can understand the whole situation. It's because I was holding on to something so fragile, something I couldn't see with my own eyes, that I was making up stories in my mind as I pleased. Stories only I knew. That I almost forgot that what we had, didn't even exist. It was a one-way thing. I felt something for you. I developed feelings for you, but you didn't. Even if you did, who am I to get angry if you decided to change your mind? Can feelings be controlled? No.

Do I have the right to get upset over your fading feelings? No. I have seen so many things here. 500 miles away from you, away from the home I created delusional memories with you, makes me learn better things. I  have come to conclusion that this thing has a cycle. A girl meets a boy, develops feelings, feelings fade, gets frustrated, moves on, meets another boy and starts the cycle all over again. So yes. I admit. I have no right whatsoever upon your fading feelings. People change and feelings fade and relationships end. It was never really because of anyone's faults, but it was simply because of the goddamn feelings - well, they fade. Can I help it if your feelings faded? No. Can I help it if you got bored? No. Can I help myself if back then I loved you more than what you could offer me? No. Because feelings are abstract. They develop, uncontrollable and gradually fade.

So yes. I think I have done you such an unfair deed - to hate and detest you. For what you had felt. For what you had done. I think it's unfair that I hated you just because you didn't have the same feelings as I did. That you didn't see things the way I did. That you had different views and ambitions than mine. It's unfair that I detest you simply because our friendship wasn't requited. While on the other hand, you're not even a bad person at all. Annoying, yes. Bebual, yes. But never a bad person.

I'm sorry. I was young, naive and angry. Maybe I shouldn't have started talking to you at all. Hell, we haven't   even looked into each others eyes yet, so how could I think this thing we had could last? I was a child. Now that I have known other boys - not to just know their names, but to swim into their deepest thoughts and views and fears and tears, I realize that friendship is a pure thing we develop by seeing each others in the eyes, by having that persons beside you literally, by listening to their voices, by meeting them regularly, by telling stories and laughing our lungs out together and simply, be there for each other. Not talking via Facebook or texting everyday or stalking each other's Formspring, lol no. Friendship is so much more than that. And yes, it was entirely my fault that I used to think the bond we had was, special.

While on the other hand, I was being delusional. And irrational.

It's only a couple of hours before I depart to KL back. I want to come back home with a fresh start. I don't want to be burden with silly, childish grudges. I want to greet my parents and sisters and best friends light-headedly. So yes, this closure is yours to peruse, to keep and to cherish.

Thank you and I'm sorry. I'm happy with what I have now, and you know, just, let's move on with our lives :)

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